Just praying for peace.

Ok, where oh where do I begin?

Well, Duston and I decided it was time in July to start trying for our third baby. :) To our surprise, we conceived the first time! Praise God!

The pregnancy started out fairly normal...just a little nauseas here and there... Then came time for the Quad screen which is a blood screening done at 16 weeks to estimate the risk of the baby having Down Syndrome. I didn't think anything of it. I thought it was just routine as I had had the testing with both boys. Well, I had the test on a Thursday and the following Monday the nurse called me and stated that I tested "positive" for Downs. I instantly asked, "Down Syndrome????" to which she replied, "Yes." I was hysterical and I barely heard anything else she had to say except that the earliest they could get me in for an ultrasound and amnio would be Thursday. That was WAY too far away and I pleaded, "Is there ANYWAY I can get in any sooner?" "Will we find out that day?" She answered and said that there wasn't any appointments any sooner and that we would find out that day whether or not our baby had DS.

Well, those 3 1/2 days were TORCHER on me. I am a worrier by nature so I didn't do very well at all. I was constantly looking things up on the web and freaking myself out more. I did find out though that the screening had a 5% false positive rate...you would think that would be reassuring but it wasn't...not to me at least.

The morning of the appointment I had arranged for a good friend to watch the boys as I knew I wouldn't want them there if we were to find out disheartening news. Duston and I went to the appointment and while there...apparently our doctor had JUST stepped out to deliver a baby...the staff wanted his other patients to wait. WHAT!? Just our luck we thought. Here we were agonizing the last few days as it was and they wanted us to wait longer??? UGH! I had went up to the receptionist and told her we were supposed to have an ultrasound anyway and she said that we would get the ultrasound first and then see the doc. So, then when the nurse came out to (what we thought) call us back..she said that the doc wanted to see us first and it wouldn't be too much longer.

Well, finally it was time to talk to the doc. He preceded to say basically what the nurse told me when she called. I had a screening and my results came back 1/199 that the baby has DS. Then he said, "I can call a specialist to perform a level two ultrasound if you'd like". WHAT?! I started crying right then because I realized that what he was really saying is that we would NOT find out today and that was more waiting to be had. I was uncontrollable. Luckily Duston was there to listen to what all the doc had to say. I was so upset that he agreed to let us have a simple ultrasound right then to try and calm me. I thought just the mere sight of the little life inside me would calm me. So, we went back for the ultrasound. The whole time we were in the room I kept looking over at the tech who was performing the ultrasound...hoping that she wouldn't make any weird or shocked faces as to what she was seeing on the screen. We did find out that day when I was 16 weeks 4 days along that we were expecting another boy. I WAS FLOORED! I thought all along it was the little girl I had hoped and dreamed about. She also said...that she wasn't trained to look for DS but that everything appeared normal to her.

Well, we left there and I definitely had mixed emotions. I found out I would not be experiencing all the little girly things that I would have if the baby were a girl. :( The big thing that was and still is eating at me is the unknown...not knowing if there is something wrong with our baby.

We waited until the following Tuesday for our level two ultrasound. We had to go about an hour and a half away for the appointment. It was nerveracking. While we were in the waiting room, I watched two women walk out sobbing. I was praying, "Dear Lord...please don't let us find out awful news". Duston and I had discussed the possibility of an amnioscentesis and basically decided there was no need. He was our baby and we would love him no matter what. There was too high of a risk involved. We talked and came to the conclusion that if there was even one sign on the ultrasound that there was a problem that we would just prepare ourselves for a Down Syndrome baby boy.

We opted to speak with a genetic counselor beforehand. I'm glad we did. She explained a lot of things...and one of which was that the blood test had a very high false positive rate and it just scares mothers more than anything. She also stated that if our ultrasound appeared normal and they didn't find any soft or hard markers that our risk would be lowered. At 1/199 it was at .05% chance of having a baby with DS. Now, I know that sounds low as it is but I was thinking...if it were low, then why would I get a call. Well, for my age alone, my risk should be at 1/850. So 1/199 is high risk for me. So, anyway, we went back for the scan and they didn't find any soft or hard markers...and also reassured us that we were indeed having a boy and that he was NOT shy. ;) The tech told us that it was still too early however to perform an echo scan on the baby's heart and that we would need to come back at 24 weeks. We felt pretty good leaving the office that day.

At my follow up with my OB, he asked me if we wanted his office to perform the scan on the heart or the specialist. I asked, "what do you think..we thought everything looked good.." The doc said he did too and that we could just do the scan there at 24 weeks.

All this time...I still am worried. I had an appt scheduled for 1/5 to check the heart...when other things seemed to go wrong. The weekend before I started swelling in my hands and feet. I knew this wasn't a good sign for me because when I was 37 weeks pregnant with Aydan I ended up having to be induced with pre eclampsia. So, I went up to Kroger and checked my blood pressure there. It was 144/85. High for me when my normal ALWAYS is 120/82. So I decided to call the OB even though it was a Saturday night. He told me to take it easy the next couple days and to call him with an update Monday morning. Well, all Sunday I took it easy barely moving from the couch. Monday morning comes and I went up to Kroger and checked my blood pressure. This time it was 152/87. I called the doc and he wanted to see me at 3pm that day. I went in and my bp at the docs was 152/84. He told me he was going to admit me overnight to the hospital to do a 24 hour urine and blood pressure check to make sure I didn't have pre eclampsia. He stated that it would be early for that but that it could and most likely would turn into that. In that case, he would need to give me corticosteroids to help the baby's lungs develop more for an early delivery. WHAT!? I asked if delivery was the ONLY way to cure pre eclampsia and he said yes unfortunately. I was a little nervous but felt confident in my doctor. I went to the hospital and there I remained overnight...peeing in a bucket....everytime. Nice. The next day we were supposed to have my regularly scheduled OB appt as well as the ultrasound on the heart. I had been waiting 7 weeks for this! Luckily, my OB arranged for us to have another level two while we were there. They didn't end up finding anything wrong. Gavin kept sticking his tongue out and that worried me. All I could think about was an ultrasound image I had seen on the web of a baby with his tongue out...and he had DS.

This puts me to where I'm at now. I am analyzing the ultrasound images daily..sometimes many times a day. I am so scared and it has truly interfered with normal bonding with my baby. I feel terrible...like a dettachment from him. I've never ever felt this way with the other two. I would sing to them, talk to them...read to them. All of the above...I did it. With this baby, it's different. I HATE THAT! I want to bond with him. I am just so overcome with worry and guilt. Is our baby going to be healthy and lead a normal life?? If he does have DS, what did I do?? I pray for that peace and contentment...not only for our baby boy that is living inside me now but also for me. I am still so depressed that I am not having a baby girl and that STILL consumes my thoughts as well.

Whoever reads this, please don't judge me. No one could be harder on me than I already am. Just pray for me and us.